Casting Your Worst

the_nightmare1331650731943I’m changing things up a bit today! Normally I’m all about fantasy casting people I want to be in the roles of my favorite yet to be cast characters, but not today! Today it’s all about the ideas that make shivers run down our spines in revulsion, that make us cry for all the wrong reasons, and could also quite possibly make us throw heavy objects across rooms in sheer frustration, and anger. These are yours and my Nightmare Boggs! I wish I could get that title to be all squiggly, like it’s melting, oh well.

Let’s start with the lesser of several evils. I’m actually a fan of this guy, and I do think he’s a good actor when he’s not allowing himself to be type-cast, which is exactly what casting him as Boggs would be, because he’s made a name for himself by playing stoic, tough guys with guns. He is Mark Wahlberg. I like Mark, I wouldn’t die a thousand deaths if he was cast as Boggs, but it would frankly be boring if he was. Meh to Mark Wahlberg being cast as Boggs! Let’s hope it doesn’t happen, shall we?

Wow, let’s roll on down with some more type-casting! Bruce Willis. I’m sorry, I have friends that love the idea of Bruce Willis playing Boggs, and the only way I’d like the idea is if The Hunger Games had been published in the mid ’90s, and he was coming off of Pulp Fiction’s praises. Now though, now Willis is 57, decidedly bald, still very good-looking I’ll give him that, but he’s played Boggs type roles for almost 30 years. Let someone else try it on for size, and let him go off and do more work with Wes Anderson.

I hate this idea. There, now that that’s out, here it is– Stephen Lang. I’m not sorry for detesting this idea, even though it’s been suggested in comments on this site, and praised in comments on this site– I seriously think this is one of the least imaginative Boggs casting ideas I’ve come across. It’s type-casting at its finest again, because every other role this actor has had is a militaristic role. Honest, go look at his dossier, it’s one gun-toting, combat fatigue wearing man person after the other– he also seems to growl most of his lines, and I can’t appreciate that, I just can’t. So, no thank you very much to Stephen Lang as Boggs times a million gazillion. Oh, also he’s 60 years old, people!

Just saying it, Will Smith! There are worse ideas, but Will Smith is a pretty bad not good one. Moving on.

How about Keanu Reeves? To me he’s actually a lesser of the evil bad horrible ideas, because I’ve seen him do some good work, and I’ve been a fan of his since the early ’90s. Casting Keanu keanu-reeveswouldn’t even be type-casting, it would just be weird casting. So, oddly enough, even though several people have told me that they hate the idea of Keanu playing Boggs, I’m putting the idea on a special shelf called the “I’m Listening, Because I Like How Out Of Left Field This Idea Is” erm… shelf?

This one’s just stupid, because I’ve never seen him act well in anything, and I wish he’d make better choices, but I don’t want one of his better choices to be The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 and 2. It’s Gerard Butler. Look, I respect the man as an individual, it takes a lot of gumption to leave a successful law practice to chase the dream of becoming an actor, and by his own right he is an actor– but he’s not a very good one as evidenced by the trail of mediocre films and performances he’s laid at our feet. I do not see him having the ability to pull off Boggs’ humor, heart, emotional fortitude, or his warmth. Gerard Butler, love that he’s from Glasgow, would scream “bloody hell, no fookin’ way!” if he were cast.

Two words– Vin Diesel. Two more words, Arnold Schwarzenegger. And now for the man of the hour, the name that came to my mind when I came up with this concept, and also the most common name that was said when I asked others who their nightmare Boggs is– it’s Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Come on, DwayneJohnson_20110516201033you have to agree that Johnson is pretty much the pinnacle of the bad Boggs ideas? Sure everyone he’s ever worked with sings his praises for being a sweet, chummy, trust worthy, funny, individual– but have we not seen the man play the same role since he left the WWE? True, they’ve all got different names, but it’s the same delivery, the same cadence, the same expression, it’s like watching a season of a television show, only the cars change, the location changes, but the characters don’t, which doesn’t work, because he’s playing different characters! Worst Boggs casting idea ever, and I’m pretty damn sure it’ll never happen anyway. On trend I’ll also add that any one who has ever been on the WWE is not allowed within 2 feet of this franchise, they are banished. And yep, you should pronounce that the Shakespearean way– Banish-ed.

I apologize if you wake up in a cold sweat tonight, nightmares do that to you, and these have been floating around my head for years.

Them There Eyes



  1. When you mentioned the growly voice, I immediately thought of Jayne, Firefly’s gun-toting Alec Baldwin, who I loved in that role, but has since played many characters who grunt a lot.

    1. Ah yes, you mean Adam Baldwin. I give Adam more credit, because even though he’s a growl-y brute most of the time, he’s also shown a lot of depth as a growl-y brute. See Chuck, and also re-watch Firefly– Jayne’s all heart, in a weird fuckin’ hat. The idea of him being cast though is type-casting, and I’d like to steer clear of that as much as possible. Anyway, I heart Adam as well, because he’s an X-Files alum. πŸ™‚

      1. What? I don’t remember ADAM Baldwin in the X Files! (Sorry, buddy, I got your name mixed up.) No, I adore him as Jayne. Just watched ComicCon’s 10 anniversary interview with him and the rest of the Firefly cast last night, which is why he popped in my mind. (BTW, which had some priceless moments, like when Joss Whedon gave this speech so stirring that he and several cast members were wiping away tears.) Alas, I agree that casting Adam would be typecasting for this role.

  2. I still really like Kyle Chandler as Boggs to be honest, I pictured him while reading the books the first time and it’s stuck since then πŸ™‚

  3. I like you description of Keanu as “weird casting.” He wouldn’t be the worst on this list by any means (The Rock) but it would just be wrong. Picturing it just makes me … Uncomfortable.

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