Happy belated Birthday, Josh Hutcherson! You turned 20 years-old on October 12th. It’s not the magical age where you can legally stumble through the streets drunk as long as you’re not causing a public disturbance or driving afterward, but you’re still young enough that most adults hate you for it! Congratulations!
Since we’re a couple days late to the party, we had to go BIG on your birthday present! So here’s a few things we would get you… if they weren’t all weird, illegal, or both!
Hunger Games Chess Set – Ever since a photo of yourself and Woody Harrelson playing chess, him in a set robe and you in your undershirt and slacks, popped up on your birthday, we imagine that you play chess on set way more than you probably do! Therefore, why not give it some flair? Crave all the white pieces into Capitol citizens and sympathizers and all the black pieces into Katniss, Peeta, and the Rebellion! What side does Plutarch really belong on? You decide!
Thunder Road Motorcycle Machinery – Dealing with the paparazzi can be dangerous with any type of vehicle, but we especially don’t like that they make you skirt through them on your motorcycle. To protect those lovely locks of currently golden blondish hair, we would make just a teensy adjustment to your bike: Those lethal-looking saws that the Scorpions have on their tires in the Thunder Road scene of Grease! The paparazzi won’t dare get close enough to make you unsafe… and if they do, well– they’ll feel Peeta’s pain!
Dolphin – This one is YOUR fault! Ready the small aquarium in your backyard, because you’ve earned yourself an aquatic friend (and some professional caretakers, of course!) after taking a ridiculously adorable photo with a dolphin at the Georgia Aquarium. Our day instantly got better after seeing that cute overload and frankly, we want more of it!
Professional Dog Carrier – We’re not saying the your Pitbull rescue, Driver, is too much for you to handle. You’ve put on tons of muscle for The Hunger Games and from the looks of it, even more for Catching Fire! However, you seem to pick up your fairly large dog pretty often and judging by how much I dislike occasionally picking up a 20lb Jack Russell Terrier, why not hire some for you whose whole job is to carry Driver around the areas you don’t want him walking?!
Step-by-Step Instructional Video for the “Putting on the Ritz” Dance – Since the fandom has recently noticed Peeta has a walking stick at the end of The Hunger Games movie, we’re desperately hoping that it makes it into Catching Fire so that you can amuse you castmates with your very own rendition of the classic scene from Young Frankenstein:
Don’t worry, you can be Dr. Frankenstein!
Smart, Praiseworthy Lead Movie Role – It’s not that we don’t love your work in childrens’ movies, but ever since The Forger fizzled out through a series of unfortunate events (none of which involved Lemony Snicket), we’ve been wishin’ and hopin’ for the day you’re cast in a challenging, powerful role that gets you the street cred you deserve. We want you to be more than Peeta from The Hunger Games, especially at a time when cynicism about franchises is at an all-time high.
Next year, we’ll bust out the Mockingjay Martini for you! For now, go party on set in the ATL!
Peace Up, A-Town Down!
The Girl With The Pearl